When I was young, I felt like there was something wrong with me, that I was inherently bad.
According to my mother I was born stressed and anxious. I now believe this was due to a combination of reasons; my mother’s stress during pregnancy, transgenerational trauma and past life traumas.
Between the ages 7-9, I experienced several significant traumas, which included sexual abuse and bullying. These experiences caused me to suppress ‘negative’ emotions and to form negative beliefs about myself and the world around me. Some of the beliefs I formed were; I’m not safe, I‘m not worthy, there is something wrong with me, the world isn’t a safe place, and people can’t be trusted.
When out in the world I managed my fear and anxiety by staying quiet, avoiding confrontation, and not asking questions. My main aim was to get through the day with as few people noticing me as possible. If I was invisible, no one could hurt me or cause me any further pain. I was easily triggered and emotionally overwhelmed, and my stress would manifest as stomach aches and insomnia. I became hypervigilant, disassociated, and disconnected from my body and sense of self. I coped by shutting down a part of myself and burying my trauma in the deep recesses of my mind.
Whilst living in London, around the age of 24, the trauma I thought I had done so well to bury for 15 years, started to raise its ugly head. I thought I was suffering from depression, so I went to see a fancy GP to see if she could help. She diagnosed me with depression and wrote me a script for anti-depressants and sent me on my way. Upon leaving her office I threw the script in the rubbish bin. I knew there must be another way…I just hadn’t discovered what that was yet…
At the age of 25 I left London and moved to Auckland New Zealand, where I managed the branch office of my family software company. On the outside I looked the epitome of success for my age; I drove a nice car, dined in fancy restaurants, and holidayed in Fiji. However, on the inside I felt empty and spent my weekends trying to fill the void inside of me with alcohol, men and shopping. I remember driving along one day thinking “Is this it? There must be more to life?”
At the age of 28, after living in NZ for 3 years, I had a physical and mental breakdown. The effects of suppressing my trauma for the past 20 years had finally caught up with me. I had debilitating fatigue and struggled to get out of bed in the morning. Once I did manage to get out of bed and drag myself around, I would burst into tears at the drop of a hat. Upon the recommendation of my flatmate, I went to see a Naturopath. This was a major turning point for my me, as it transformed not only my health but also my life. I was so inspired by this Naturopath, I decided to follow in her footsteps.
I quit my job, left NZ and flew to Sydney and enrolled in Naturopathy. I started eating healthier, taking herbal medicine, running, hiking, swimming in the ocean and doing yoga. My body slowly started to recover. However, it wasn’t until I discovered spiritual healing, reiki, psychotherapy, regression, and hypnosis that my trauma healing really began.
As an adult, I have been diagnosed with the following conditions, which I believe are the result of trauma-related stress: Asthma, Anxiety Disorder, Insomnia, ADHD, Complex PTSD, Depression, HPA Axis Dysregulation/ Adrenal Fatigue, Hypothyroid, IBS, PMS, and Fibrocystic Breast Disease. I have also suffered from recurrent infections over the years such as bronchitis, cystitis, and parasites due to a suppressed immune system.
Over the years I have healed from Asthma, Anxiety Disorder, ADHD, Complex PTSD, Depression, HPA Axis Dysregulation/ Adrenal Fatigue, Hypothyroid, IBS, and PMS. My immune system is strong, and I very rarely get sick. I am no longer disassociated. I am grounded and present (well most of the time😉) and in my body. I am free from most of the fears and anxieties that used to haunt me. I can still get anxious from time to time and struggle to sleep, but I have the tools to help me get through those moments.
I have re-wired my brain so that its more positive and optimistic, I have purged ‘negative’ suppressed emotions from my energy body, I have re-balanced my HPA Axis and nervous system, and I have transformed my negative beliefs. I know that I am worthy, and that I matter. I no longer live in a state of constant fear and hypervigilance. I feel safe in my body and in the world. I know whatever happens to me I will be ok. My normal state these days in one of peace, joy and wellbeing.
It is from my person experiences of transforming trauma and healing that I offer you genuine help on your journey.
